Down and Out: the Movie – not in theaters yet

Buzzer! Buzzer! It’s a call, a real phone call, via WhatsApp, from my old friend S…. When I say “man,” I mean it. We’ve known each other since Harold Wilson had his first chance to become Prime Minister, the Beatles recorded Revolver and England came close to winning the World Cup. Eight years ago, he brought me to Los Angeles, locked me in a cabin in the mountains near Lake Arrowhead, and didn’t let me out until I wrote a screenplay based on the first selection of those very columns, titled Bitter experience has taught me. He’s a movie producer, so it didn’t bother me too much, and being locked up wasn’t that bad: the cabin was really luxurious, he poured me California wines and did most of the cooking; in the evenings he would chuckle at my work in progress and we would watch MSNBC covering Donald Trump on the campaign trail.

“Christ, what a bastard.”

“He will never win.”

I wrote the script in five days, which is not bad considering I didn’t write it before the Berlin Wall fell – in communist Hungary, as it happens. There, in the elevator on the way to the set, I met Marcello Mastroianni, and you know what? He was a real gentleman. But that’s another story for another day.

The movie I wrote based on these columns was never made, not only because most movies don’t do that, but also because my script didn’t follow the template that studios now demand: a three-act plot.

“It’s all very funny. But what does Nick find out?” asked S-. (To save time, I decided not to change the names. I can do it later.)

“What do you mean, ‘What is Nick learning?’ I thought you would read the book. Look at me. I didn’t learn anything.

“It’s too similar at the moment Withnail and me“

“What’s wrong with it? It’s my favorite movie.”

So then we dropped the topic and met up during his visits to the UK to celebrate his parents’ birthdays and Christmas.

But this time he had a message: he wanted to resume work on the film. He had a director and access to the locations in Marylebone where most of the idle takes place. And one evening – morning in Los Angeles – I found myself in a three-way Zoom meeting with S. and director M.. Plagued by a cold and hangover and unable to get my phone camera to work, I unhesitatingly agreed to all their suggestions about what my the character should “learn”. I also said I would finish the rewrite by the end of next week. That means, as I write these words, in two days. As soon as I heard their delighted reaction to this schedule, I realized I had made a serious miscalculation.

“We will pay you £X upfront and £X on completion.” I should say that X is a three-digit sum, and not very high at that. Rarely, if ever, has Hollywood paid less for rewrites. However, since Nick had learned nothing in real life, especially in the area of ​​financial management, this was practically a life-changing sum.

The entire initial portion is gone now. I spent it on cakes and beer and, most importantly, on paying off money I owe my brother.

“Shit,” he said.

– I bet you didn’t see that coming.

More good news: the publisher wants to make another selection of these songs. But this time they want me to put some work into it: maybe add a character element to it. Let me learn something. The advance I receive for this will be slightly less than what I receive for each column here; the advance payment for the script was slightly higher.

Of course, if any of these projects are wildly successful, I won’t be depressed anymore and we’ll have to give this column a different name. However, even if you enjoy fluttering at outrageously high odds, I wouldn’t put even a fiver on it. When I say that most Hollywood movies are never made, I mean it; and of those who succeed, only the smallest fraction of them are ever heard of. The entire industry lives in a state invisible to the public eye. As for the publisher – which is highly regarded and has been in business for over a decade – its CEO told me, apologizing for its pathetic progress, something to the effect of: “All it takes is for the publisher to do well, it’s one big book. Unfortunately, we haven’t had it yet.”

What is this famous line from the movie? Clockwise? “It’s not despair, it’s hope.” I have learned to no longer hope; never to put one’s faith in Fortune, who, as Evelyn Waugh once observed, “is the least capricious of deities, and arranges everything according to a just and rigid system, so that no one will be very happy for very long.” I wonder how long it will be before I have to lend this money to my brother.

(See also: The Happy Sounds of Childhood)