The changing faces of fatherhood in the 21st century

This year, Father’s Day fell on my dad’s birthday. My thoughts turn to him and how the latest trends have changed the approach to fathers and fatherhood.

The original Latin word for father is fatherAND father of the family describes the male head of the family. Traditionally, the patriarch, or paterfamilias, was the sole breadwinner, the breadwinner and defender of the family, and the moral and religious educator of the offspring. In our collective imagination, he is the archetype of the Great Father, a figure of wisdom, a defender who restores justice and orders chaos, embodying righteous authority and power. In the Vedic-Hindu tradition, he is the father of the sky; is the Greek god Zeus and the Roman god Jupiter. He is the strict God of the Old Testament and the Heavenly Father of the New Testament.

In our dreams, the good father archetype (see my previous blog “Fathers: Heroes, Villains, and Our Need for Archetypes”) may manifest as a kindly old beggar, a roaring male lion, or a familiar male figure we admire. Cultural heroes such as Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi, Lakota leader Sitting Bull, and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. they offer a projected version of the good father archetype, much like presidents, tribal chiefs, cult leaders, movie stars, and literary heroes. Fictional fathers, like Atticus Finch in the novel and film To Kill a Mockingbird, present idealized versions of wise, morally upright fathers. These characters may bear little resemblance to our flawed, flesh-and-blood fathers, but they fill a psychological need, like some leaders, to believe that someone stronger and wiser is looking out for us. Fathers of minorities or other marginalized groups are only now being regularly represented in popular culture.

My personal story illustrates an outdated, patriarchal model of fatherhood. I grew up in a white, middle-class family in a quiet, mid-20th century suburban New Jersey neighborhood. My father worked in the government from 9 to 5. My mother worked as a private secretary before we got married. A second salary would increase our family’s resources, but my father forbade my mother from giving up raising children to work.

The father was the king. He gave commandments; Their mother enforced them. She ruled the house: hygiene, study and manners. He controlled the finances and made the rules. One of his favorite commandments was: “You don’t have to love me, but you have to respect me.” (I write more about my complicated relationship with my father in “My Jewish Question, My Father”).

Everyone I knew was raised to respect their elders. Filial piety and civic customs were part of the traditional value system. While this model of family dynamics still exists, it is no longer the norm. In recent decades, significant research has been conducted on the role fathers play in child development. Changes in social attitudes towards marriage, women’s financial independence, single parenthood and masculinity indicate that we are entering a new era in the perception of fatherhood.¹

Fathers have many names – papa, daddy, papa, papi, papa. Whatever you call it, children from all backgrounds whose parents are involved enjoy better mental health. Children raised by active fathers have fewer behavioral problems, have longer attention spans, enjoy greater sociability, and are less likely to commit juvenile crimes.²

Today’s fathers may be gay, straight or trans; married to our mothers or not; staying at home or not living at home; donor dad, stepdad or incarcerated dad. Since the end of the 20th century, the role of women in the labor market has changed the role of fathers. Between 1948 and 2001, the percentage of working-age women employed or looking for work almost doubled, from less than 33 percent to more than 60 percent.³

According to research funded by the Annie E. Casey Foundation, one in three children lives in single-parent families. In single-parent families, the majority of children – 14.3 million – live in single-parent families. About 3.5 million children live in single-father families.⁴ Between 2 and 3.7 million children under 18 have an LGBTQ+ parent. Many of these children are raised by a single LGBTQ+ parent or by a different-sex couple in which one parent is bisexual. About 191,000 children are raised by two same-sex parents. Overall, an estimated 29 percent of LGBTQ+ adults are raising a child under the age of 18.⁵

Psychological research suggests that a father’s love has as much impact on a child’s mental health as a mother’s love. A father’s presence in a child’s life, his positive attention and guidance can help the child develop a sense of his or her place in the world, which affects his or her social, emotional and cognitive functioning.⁶

Fascinating data from the Pew Research Center on the modern American family, gender and parenting tells us that men are more likely than women to give their children more freedom. More men than women want to raise their children the same way they were raised. Women are more likely to: claim to be overprotective of children; they consider raising their children to be the most important aspect of who they are as a person; are more likely to worry that their children will be bullied or struggle with depression or anxiety. Only a quarter or less of parents think it is very important for their children to get married (25 percent for men, 18 percent for women). A similar number think it is important for their children to become parents.⁷

A study by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD) found that fathers were more involved in caregiving when they had positive psychological characteristics, such as high self-esteem and lower levels of depression and hostility. Fathers were also more involved when their children were boys.⁸

Data provides facts and statistics that track trends, but our experiences with fatherhood and our relationships with fathers are not statistics. It is a unique unifying phenomenon and a key theme in the story of our lives. Literature reveals what statistics cannot – the complex feelings, desires, and struggles inherent in this intimate relationship.

One writer who has expanded our empathetic understanding of the father-child relationship is Ta-Nehisi Coates. His book, Between the world and me is devastatingly beautiful and written in the form of a letter addressed to his son, who tries to capture the many fears he has about his black child:

“One day you will be a man, and I could not save you from the unbridgeable distance between you and your future peers and colleagues who might try to convince you that everything I know, everything I share with you here, is an illusion or a fact of the distant past that does not need to be discussed. And I could not save you from the police, from their flashlights, their hands, their batons and guns. Prince Jones, murdered by men who should have been his bodyguards, is always with me, and I knew that soon he would be with you.⁹

What five words describe your father? What makes your father unique?