Community Scoop » Abuse survivor says nine months in Epuni boys’ home ‘basically ruined her life’

Article – RNZ

A survivor of abuse at Epuni Boys’ Home says what he experienced during the nine months he spent there as an 11-year-old shaped the next 50 years of his life.Jimmy EllinghamCheckpoint Reporter

This article discusses details of suicide and abuse that some people may find shocking.

As Royal Commission of Inquiry into Abuse in Care reports his findings to the Governor General, abuse survivor busy using his experiences to help others. Graeme McCullough was abused at Epuni Boys’ Home and, as he tells Jimmy Ellingham, what he experienced during his nine months there shaped the next 50 years.

From the outside, he gave the impression of a successful businessman.

After leaving the fire service, he worked for an oil company before moving to the fledgling airline Ansett NZ, where he was duty manager at Wellington Airport and then regional manager at Palmerston North, before setting up a coffee distribution business.

He traveled abroad and even met the Queen. He was a Rotarian and a family man – married with children.

However, Graeme McCullough was hiding a secret about his past and was convinced that his colleagues and friends would learn the truth and lose faith in him.

Many of his feelings are now referred to as imposter syndrome, but there was more to it.

McCullough describes it as self-sabotage, when his life was going well. In those moments, he would start to doubt that he wasn’t coping or that he was about to be exposed, and he would keep going, for no reason at all.

“I always thought I was abnormal or substandard. That was something that was instilled in me by the guy who was abusing me,” she says.

The guy was Alan Moncrieff-Wright, a teacher at Epuni School in Lower Hutt.

McCullough spent nine months at Epuni as an 11-year-old when his parents were having a hard time. He’s not sure why he was sent there, since his siblings had gone to live with relatives. His childhood was otherwise relatively normal, but that seemingly brief period left a lasting mark.

Moncrieff-Wright was later convicted and imprisoned on charges of raping and sexually abusing other boys. He is now dead, but McCullough says he felt his presence for almost 50 years.

“It’s ridiculous that you can be 63 years old and those nine months of my life basically ruined my life. I was still getting by, but every time things were going well, he seemed to show up.

“I talked to the survivor and said he had been living in my head for 47 years without paying rent, and how could I have let that happen?” McCullough says.

“I had no choice. I had no control over it. He was in my head every day. I’m happy to say he’s not there every day (now), but he’s still with me.”

For a few years Moncrieff-Wright was in the news when he went through court, and McCullough even got a call from the police asking about Epuni. He didn’t contact them though – he wasn’t ready to tell anyone.

McCullough swore to take his secret to his grave. The one time he tried to talk about it, when he told his parents in the 1970s, he got a beating for attention. His parents, like most of that generation, trusted authority figures and didn’t think something like this would happen.

But then, in 2017-18, news of the Royal Commission was everywhere, which irritated him and undermined his sense of denial.

“I couldn’t hide it any longer,” he says.

“I had to deal with it and I didn’t like the consequences, so taking my own life was a better option than telling people about it – which is kind of a backup of what I’m doing now.”

Now a peer support worker, McCullough is with SafeMan SafeFamily, an organization that tries to end the cycle of domestic violence.

It gives men a chance to discuss their situation, think about whether they are okay, and try to take action if things are not going well for them.

McCullough organises men’s groups and often travels around the North Island from his home in Palmerston North to meet men, talk to them and sometimes just listen to their stories. He also regularly speaks to groups, including Rotary, about his life.

He’d come a long way since six years ago when he was shaking uncontrollably and drinking copious amounts of bourbon.

In 2018, he closed his business and attempted suicide.

He has had his share of tough times since then, including a stint in intensive care and further suicidal thoughts, but one thing that has changed is that McCullough has decided he can no longer hide what happened to him or carry the burden alone as if it were his fault.

“I spent 47 years pretending everything was OK when it clearly wasn’t, and I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I don’t want to wake up feeling like that,” he says.

“I thought I was doing the right thing for my family and that they would be better off if I wasn’t here. Now I realize that’s not true, but I convinced myself that the best thing for me was not to be here.

“I realized that I expected people to help me, but I didn’t tell them what I needed help with, so I convinced myself that no one could help me.”

While recovering, McCullough found himself needing to return to Epuni for the first time since the violence there.

The house was closed for a time but reopened in 2001 as an Oranga Tamariki centre.

When McCullough returned to Riverside Drive, he had no idea.

“For some reason I believed it would be closed. I hoped against hope that the building would disappear and become either a sports field or maybe a housing complex.

“When I arrived and saw that Epuni Boys’ Home was not only still standing, but still operating as a facility… I was honestly in shock and shaking.”

It drove down the road and sat there for more than an hour, frozen. McCullough says he thinks it should be gone, given its history.

The turning point was McCullough’s meeting with another Epuni survivor, Keith Wiffin.

The pair were there at around the same time but have no recollection of each other. McCullough says their first meeting was to apologise to him for failing to support Wiffin and the other survivors in pursuing Moncrieff-Wright.

“When I was lucky enough to meet him in the 2018-2019 season, I was able to apologize to him for not having the courage to stand up for what he did.”

McCullough says he went into the 30-minute coffee meeting still believing he wouldn’t live to see his 60th birthday.

The pair talked for three hours before McCullough invited Wiffin to his 60th birthday party.

“That was the beginning of my recovery,” McCullough says.

“He gave me permission to be OK, but more importantly, I gave myself permission to be OK.”

That doesn’t mean he’s not sensitive now, though, and McCullough is often the confidante people tell about their abuse – sometimes he’s the first and only person they confide in.

“Opening that door gives us the opportunity, hopefully, to talk about what happened to them, and we can identify what opportunities and options they have,” he says.

“I felt like I was a victim of sexual harassment, that it was wrong and that was all I was.

“I am ashamed to say, after more than 50 years, that I am only now beginning to realise that this happened to me – that it was not just my fault.

“However, many of my decisions and actions were based on low self-esteem, lack of self-worth, and simply feeling like I didn’t fit in.

“It dominated my life.”

Regarding the work of the Royal Commission, in relation to which he made the statement, McCullough stated that he had no personal interest in financial compensation.

If the survivors were given money, he would want his family to choose a vacation spot and take them there.

He would also like to see some kind of survivor care package, so that redress is not just financial. And he will be watching the expected apology closely to make sure it makes a difference to him and the thousands of others who have been abused in state care.

Where to seek help:

Need to talk? Call or text 1737 anytime to speak to a qualified advisor, for any reason.

Lifeline: 0800 543 354 or text HELP to 4357

Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 / 0508 TAUTOKO (24/7). This is a service for people who may be thinking about suicide or those who are worried about family or friends.

Depression Helpline: 0800 111 757 (24/7) or text 4202

Samaritans: 0800 726 666 (24/7)

Youthline: 0800 376 633 (24/7) or free text 234 or email [email protected]

What’s Up: Free counselling for 5 to 19 year olds, online chat 11am – 10.30pm, 7 days a week or free call 0800 WHATSUP / 0800 9428 787 from 11am – 11pm Asian Family Services: 0800 862 342 Monday to Friday 9am – 8pm or text 832 Monday to Friday 9am – 5pm. Languages ​​spoken: Mandarin, Cantonese, Korean, Vietnamese, Thai, Japanese, Hindi, Gujarati, Marathi and English.

Rural Support Trust Helpline: 0800 787 254

Helpline: 0800 611 116

Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155

OUTLine: 0800 688 5463 (18:00-21:00)

If it is an emergency and you think you or someone else is at risk, call 111.

Sexual violence

New Zealand Police

Victim Support 0800 842 846

Rape Crisis 0800 88 33 00

Rape Prevention Education

Trust in Strengthening

HELP Call 24/7 (Auckland): 09 623 1700, (Wellington): 04 801 6655 – press 0 on the menu

Safe Talks: 24/7 confidential helpline for survivors, supporters and people with sexually harmful behaviours: 0800044334

Aotearoa male survivors

Survivors of Priest Abuse Network (SNAP) 022 344 0496

Violence in the family

Women’s Refuge: (0800 733 843)

This is not OK 0800 456 450

Gloss: 0508 744 633

Victim Support: 0800 842 846

HELP Call 24/7 (Auckland): 09 623 1700, (Wellington): 04 801 6655 – press 0 on the menu

Information about specialist agencies dealing with domestic violence can be found at the National Domestic Violence Services Network in New Zealand.

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